What Happened? Asked No One

[evieshka]

I.

one of the most well-respected authorities on autism spectrum disorder
.a heterosexual ciswoman
upon giving me a deficit-based assessment over the course of five sessions
.which cost $500 an hour out of pocket
.insisted my husband be present during our sessions to provide a clearer view of my experiences as a potentially neurodivergent (i am) ciswoman (i am not) from the neurotypical viewpoint
as autism spectrum disorder is a collection of symptoms deemed inconvenient to allistic individuals
rather than symptoms of discomfort caused by neurotypical society's unwritten expectations of behavior as experienced by a neurodivergent individual who does not see the merits
in small talk . desk jobs . uncomfortable clothing . white lies . unjustifiable smiling . paisley . beige . wine culture
for whom
.auditory input is cacophony
.cardboard is offensive to the fingertips
.flavors may taste round or sharp
.meals may be broken
.raisins are part of a pattern of suspicious behavior when coupled with improperly eaten string cheese, green apple candy, and use of the words 'i'm a real momma bear'
.words inflict skin-deep wounds not easily forgotten
.the small assaults on senses and sensibilities experienced over the course of a single day result in misery so deep the only way to extricate is through the exhaustion of screams though the individual knows screaming is inappropriate and girls must be nice, so the individual chokes on their screams for thirty-five years so that they do not cause discomfort for the neurotypical society around them, resulting in depression, anxiety, and full nervous breakdown when the hypoaffectionate individual becomes trapped in a house during a pandemic with a hyperaffectionate husband with a mysterious immunological ailment which causes him to cough and cough and cough but of course this assessment is to ascertain the detrimental impact of the individual's symptoms on society, and not how the environment is creating misery for the individual.

one of the most well-respected authorities on autism spectrum disorder
.a psychiatrist with a fifth avenue address
.instructed me to raise my hand if i had something to say during our sessions
.spoke primarily to my husband
.creating a session constructed half of marriage counseling and half of reassurances that neurodivergent women could be in relationships with neurotypical men, citing her own experience with an autistic (ex-)boyfriend
.seemed surprised when i proved capable of conversing intelligently

one of the most well-respected authorities on austism spectrum disorder
.smirked when i expressed discomfort with the requirement of my husband's presence
and during the third assessment session
which was the first session without my husband
per my request that he not attend
.told me 'well, we're alone now' in a tone condescending enough for even me to clock
.proceeded to ask me to show her the canvas of my childhood, which she opened like a vein
and bled
until i

d
i
s
s
o
c
i
a
t
e
d

and later could not recall the last fifteen minutes of the session
and still cannot recall.

one of the most well-respected authorities on autism spectrum disorder
.whose name was not european in origin
.whose name i worked conscientiously to commit to memory and pronounce with precision on my inexperienced tongue
.did not say my name correctly for three sessions, no matter how many times I corrected her
the spelling seemed outside her purview, as well, as i never once saw the emergence of my name correctly replicated in any of our email exchanges
.my name is two syllables in four letters
.her name is eight syllables in eighteen letters
.mine was never mrs, ms, or mx husband's surname
.hers was always doctor

one of the most well-respected authorities on autism spectrum disorder
.upon learning i would not continue paying her to degrade me further
.refused to provide a written diagnosis, despite informing my husband (and not me) that i was indeed autistic
in a final condemnation of my own clear inability to act with agency, assessing my mental facilities as subpar
.informed my husband (and not me) that we (and not i) should have any future therapists contact her for her diagnosis
as well as her recommended treatment plan
to help correct the socially harmful symptoms of my autism



II.

an obscure therapist in north carolina
.a genderqueer, allistic individual
.with a background in art and a love of poetry
.with tattoos down their arms
and a decade of experience working with adults receiving late-life diagnoses
(who looked remarkably like my best friend)
upon meeting me in a session covered by my insurance
.expressed genuine concern for my emotional/mental well-being
.expressed disinterest in involving my husband in my therapy
.stated they would not be contacting one of the most well-respected authorities on autism spectrum disorder for her official diagnosis and recommended treatment plan

an obscure therapist is north carolina
.talked through the DSM-V with me
and in a single session provided the assessment that i am an intelligent person
.deserving agency and respect
.suffering from lingering ghosts of childhood trauma
.depression
and anxiety
.asserted again
.again
.again
over the course of a year with an ever-evolving treatment plan created with my input, rather than that of one of the most well-respected authorities on autism spectrum disorder,
that
I am an intelligent person,
deserving agency and respect.*

*Who just
happens
to be
autistic.